danny

there are many things i would change of myself right now. and sad as it seems, it will always be like that. i guess i’m never satisfy with my personal status-quo, and i guess i’m not alone.

what makes me dwell on these thoguhts is sometimes i feel overwhelmed by my own self. like i’ve been neglecting taking care of it, of me, and now i see a filthy room full of decaying food and worn trousers, of unlabeled folders and unmade sheets, of dying plants, of rusting coffe mugs, of opened books and bath towels, around. and everything i see at the same time.

that marks the reordering time. it takes me usually 2 to 5 days to get myself to my previos ordered state, since i cannot order stuff. i want it all at hand, since it all seems useful. but then, all at hand means all at eyesight, and that leads back to disorder.

the mental state for reordering has to be of hierarchically classifying usefulness, or perhaps fetchability. knowing what will be used and what not. what is important ans what can be discarded to a lesser level of readiness, some drawer, some box, some cupboard under.

at the end, after some days it is easy enough to get it all in its right place, and restart the normal entropy process of getting it out and leave it there.

feelings on the other hand, are different. they have a life of their own. they jump out of their hideouts when less expected. and keep around, bothering and howling, with huge attention needs and high-pitched voices.

i’m starting to be bother by them. i’m starting to think they are here just to subconsciously sabotage myself. to be spoiled and not to feel guilty about it. to selfishly approach moments without letting me know what i want, but just what they care about.

triggered by infinitely small memories, like atom bombs they just appear and grow in nanoseconds, consuming all the oxigen around, leaving no air to breathe, no light to see, but the blatant smell of their own will. tiny pandora’s boxes that get leashed off by the most ridicule places and images.

there’s pureness in not feeling. there’s complete control in not caring. if fear is in the future and an expectation of something to come, insensitiveness is bliss in escaping any expectative, any comeout being great, being the same thing.

sensations, on the other hand, are the perfect companion for a total, fulfilled, epicurean life. open senses fill the mental voids that demanding feelings leave when they’re not. sensing is just like being there, no future or past attached, just the breeze, the smell of her skin, the warmth of the sun caressing your face, or the chocolate chunk stuck to your palate.

her kiss, hot coffee in the morning, the sound of the sea outside the window, a blind man walking slowly towards the riverside, rain pouring a mile away, a witty comment and laughs following, a hand touching my skin, the idea that someone loves you, those sensations are beyond good and evil, beyond past and future. they’re there to be sensed and to avoid being “felt”.

inmediately, life becomes a wonderful circus of attractions, a babette’s feast to eyes and ears and skins; a complete, void-filling, all-time-consuming, ready-to-be-consciously-sensed experience without the emotional baggagge. and memories created are stored carefully in your sensible brain, not in your sensitive heart. because sensible brains have less bureaucracy to let go than sensitive hearts.

after all, living 100% does not mean you have to care, does it?

This entry was posted on Friday, September 29th, 2006 at 07:56:30 and is filed under thoughts.