danny

i just finished factotum by charles bukowski. i, more and more, feel like him. not that i find myself in the same situation, far from it. not that i want to be like chinaski, can’t deny it has occurred to me. it is just feeling down and out. feeling lonely and longing for someone to fill up the moments with conversation and whatnot. mostly, longing for comprehension. not more than someone that understands me. and that seems the most difficult thing.

then i think it must be difficult. for one main reason: one that understands other might as well be seeking for understanding. it is a give and get business. it is a you-scratch-me-i’ll-scratch-you thing. and most of the people i know they just can’t. mostly because of the investment. letting others understanding you means being vulnerable, being exposed; being naked. and they’re so scared of it. and i’m too, just perhaps not that much.

i’ve drank three beers and just finished a 200-page book in little less than two days. it helps. i feel in good company, fuck, in company. i have read words that say what i think, only in a different way, but the content equals. i’ve been drinking two, three beers a day, and reading heavily.

i go to work and i do my stuff, sometimes bored, sometimes eager. the work i’ve been given is not too difficult, though sometimes complex. but boring, cause i get to work alone. and then i feel alone. i’d prefer to work with others and listen to their complaints and to their ideas. sometimes their ideas can really be interesting. i feel i’m surrounded by very smart, very boring people. let’s see how it ends up.

going back home sometimes it’s tinted with a gloomy feeling of emptiness. that upsets me greately. these are not moments of emptiness, right the opposite: this should be a moment of greatness, of fullfillment. it strikes me. perhaps work is not it all, as i once thought. perhaps there’s an open crack, a moment, a space, for something else. for myself. for my way of seeing life. whatever that is.

i guess i still have to discover that. one step at a time. heavy steps in a world full of bad weather and lonely people. i better breathe deeply and grab another beer, and hope for tomorrow.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 21st, 2007 at 23:22:08 and is filed under thoughts.