danny

i fell again.  i fell for her. i did, i did. damn it.

this feeling of unpossession, of utter unbelonging. of distance and silence. of loneliness. of need and desire and regret and divergence. of rotten soul and blindness. of getting close and disappearing. of nothingness, of childhood, of happiness and despair. of thousand closed doors and a muddy path. of heavy feet and lead legs. of sinking, of unfathomable solitude, of being in a simple world, an empty world. of colorless flowers and tasteless food. of alcohol and dreams of sex. of daydreaming. of losing religion. of losing myself.

my soul is so heavy i cannot walk anymore.

somebody wake me up before i sink forever. forever or one more day.

i keep distance. why? if i knew…

life’s a bitch, and then you get used to it. sure. and then you trust someone. and then you trust them once more. and then they’re off.

and then? what do you do? you don’t have rubber to get you off. it is not love, it is not likeness. it might be a feeling. what’s it? what the hell’s wrong with you?

i hope it takes me a week to figure it out. one week is a week of work and a couple of days of figuring it out… more i don’t have right now…

oh boy…

she came to my place… she was a friend. she was an old friend. she was what we call an old friend. it means she had rights. she came to watch a movie. we started watching the movie. we saw some of the movi, it was ok, it was jarmusch.

i breath once, and it was all her perfume. i couldn’t have it. i started breathing through my mouth. i couldn’t have her scent in my nostrils. not tonight. not ever again. so i started breathing through my mouth. it is standard procedure anyway. girls get closer to you, you get farther and stop breathing. it is your way to tell them “i’m off limits” for once in your life. or forever. whatever. you’re off. they know. they give you one chance. you blow it. you’re off. i was off. i was off by a millimiter, or less. but i was off.

it was good. it did not feel like, but it was good.

i hope i feel like it soon.. better for me.

or i’m fucked. very fucked.