danny

i’m always thinking of you.

not that i look for it, not that i want to.

but everything, all the time, tends to remind me of you. people in the street, main characters in teenage sitcoms, pictures in sites, voices and perfumes, even my conditioner reminds me of you.

you seem to be everywhere. everywhere.

everywhere.

sometimes it feels nice. it brings the lovely memories of you, of being with you, and how special i felt around you. how incredibly happy i was that you were with me. that you loved me. that feeling i so much longed for almost 7 years, since the day i met you, that day when you got tattooed in my mind, forever.

some other times it reminds me of all the pain and the suffering i caused you, in such a little time…

i know i won’t be remembered for the nice things, the patience and the love, the counseling and the caring. i will be in your memory for the nasty things, the unbearable moments when i became a bore, a pain, a sadness, a vile person that intruded your feelings and mashed your feelings down to smithereens.

but if i can say it, if i can tell you, here, privately, what i feel, it is not that. it is the love i professed, it is the longing i confessed, it is the wish that i could make you happy. sad as it is, that is what i feel, what i always felt. love for you, my little nordic princess.

i know i don’t deserve you, i know you’re better off without me, that your life is a happier one with me at a far distance, even from memories and happenings.

bit i still love you, like that first day when i danced with you. like every time i saw your pictures and dreant of being in your life, being with you everywhere, of making you smile and giggle.

present is what is supposed to be, and unfortunately my only remaining gift is that of my nonexistence in your present and in your life.

i hope you’re happy and that you smile a lot. i hope that yours is a plentiful life, full of joy and adventures and successes and achievements and fulfillness and happiness.

i will always remember you with a dusty, cracked fondness. my heart will always belong to you, whether you want it or not. and since it is yours, it is for no one else to have.

i will always be yours, my blonde angel, my joy, my undeserved happiness that you are. that you’ll always be.

your pain lasted for a month or so, mine might last forever.

always yours, forever in love, brokenheartedly,
me

I’m sorry love.

I’m sorry I keep trying to save us, save our relationship. I still think it is a beautiful, meaningful one, and I still have very strong feelings for you, kid.

I’m sorry I’m getting in your way to be happy, but it is you that keep bumping into me, while following me, reading me, curiosing me all the time. Because you still have strong feelings for me, kid.

I’m sorry I’m not the right one for you, but it seems I’ve changed much lately from that bad version of me I was for a while. Now I’m back to my normal self: happy, bold, independent, audacious, fun. You know it, you saw glimpses of it and you loved it. Now that I’m back to my good self, you could find in me all that you’re looking for in a man, but you won’t look again. You closed the door and threw away the key.

I’m sorry I behaved as I did, for I should have been more patient, less intrusive, listen to you more, be more patient and, mostly and my biggest mistake, I should have trusted you, love.

I’m sorry your life is so confusing love, but that is what happens when you use it to please others. You ask how, I say by doing with it what others want you to. By becoming a business manager and forgetting art, drawing, your real passions. By leaving me just because your dad made you think it would be better. By letting others influence your decisions, for fear of making them yourself, by yourself.

I’m sorry you want to be independent, because the first thing you lose when you try to please others is your independence.

I’m sorry, baby, for many things that cannot be change, and for many thing that can be changed, but I’m mostly sorry for us.

I know we could have been wonderful.

If you only knew how much I’ve changed…

These last weeks I’ve seen things in a very different light, half for the thinking, half for the job change, and all the self-confirmation and peace of mind it brought me, as I finally feel a useful, good designer, a feeling fotolog never completely allowed me to have.

thinking about us has also opened me to many ill behaviours of mine, that once seen I won’t repeat again, as I finally find myself amidst the free at heart, again.

So I’m a new man, and you’re not here to notice, to enjoy it. What a cruel world it is.

If you only decided to give me another chance, love…

I have read that phrase innumerable times, and never made sense.

We’re unique, and the fact of being complemented seems to undermine the whole concept of uniqueness, as we become only the completion of a tacit pattern spread around the world.

There’s nothing unique, independent about having a missing half, whether it is also unique. For uniqueness is defined by lack of comparison, and a lost half will always bear some comparing with it.

I wish it was that simple, but even just the fact of knowing there’s someone or a bunch of people that might make you a whole makes you feel used, manipulated, a piece. Uniqueness breaks as you realise you’re a part of a bigger plan, and you don’t even know if you’d be the only one to fit that other piece, but by sheer trying out and finding out.

It was all bullshit.

Now I know the painful truth. You complement me. You’re all I want to be and can’t. You’re many things I don’t understand, but I know I will, in time. You’re that half of the world that was negated to me because I couldn’t either see it, or acknowledge it, or accept it, or interpret it.

You’re all I’ve been missing, all I’ve to learn, all I’ve waited and longed.

I was not enough of me until you. I’m so joyful I met you I feel united with a bigger versoon of life when I’m with you.

You complement me, you complete me, and I’m proud of us.

I don’t know why you have to be like this.

You arrive to my city, without even telling me, and you tell me by tweeting your location on foursquare.

That was very insensitive. This girl means war. Or it means you don’t care about what I feel.

Which means war anyway.

now i see it. i suddenly see it clearly.

how not to have scared you, how not to have driven you away, now i think.

i love you. i saw you right beside of me, for a long time, and i played along, like it was the present, when it was only a reminiscence, an idea of a possible future. i played it like it was a sure thing, and in doing so i took you for granted.

strike one.

i wanted to give you my heart. i wanted to give you my soul. i wanted to give you my life, and all the experiences, learnings and happiness that came with it. in doing so i did not see the responsibility i was laying in your hands, one that you did not necessarily wanted now. that of holding me, of owning me, of having to make yourself responsible of that heart, that soul. one of a future of trying not to break such a precious, delicate, fragile treasure.

strike two.

i saw your strengths. i saw your potential. i saw the power you have to be the best, of focussing and determined achieving it all. i tried to support it, but by doing so i forced you to change too fast, i forced you to analise all your certainties, your knowledge, your beliefs, your dreams and ideals. violently you felt all your world trembling under the weight of a different one you could not feel you but through the slow learning, the constant acknowledging, and the careful deciding that could make it truly yours. i made you collapse under the weight of a borrowed life.

strike three.

i’m out…

It is not easy. I love you, I wait for you, I give you your space but it is not easy.

My heart longs for your closeness, my skin mortifies under the length of your lack of touch, my lips die dry afar from your kiss.

I know we’ll be together eventually, but my mind wanders and tortures me, it tells me you’ll give up, you’ll fall for someone else, you’ll forget about me.

And then I’m very sad, scared.

I still have to be faithful, trust life, be a believer. I have to hold on, swallow hard, and wait… Wait… Wait… For you, my love, my life.

My happy future.

Cause I love you with all my heart…

Can’t let you go girl. I might even know it is for the best, I might realise were very different, I might even see it won’t be easy for either of us, but I just can’t let you go girl.

For I’m in love and that is a blindfold bigger than any possible reason. I’m in love with you and there’s no reason in my heart why to let you go.

I might have to fall out of love with you, but for now, for what it’s worth, I cannot let you go girl, cause I love you, with all my heart.

With all my heart.

you there?

some moments of the day i’m sad

but now i know i did not love her, or at least i don’t now

it is just all the shattered plans, all the ideas gone down the drain

rebuilding a future in my head sometimes in the day proves to be difficult

i remember some plan we made, some idea we wanted to achieve or explore, some moment we shared together that made me feel soft and pink inside

i’ll move on. i know i will. but the days, the hours make it interminable

and then, there’s sunday…